And Hell Came With Him
by THElaughingUNIVERSE
Summary: John Constantine: demon hunter, wise guy, smoke a'holic, and the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. There's a hellblazer at Hogwarts.
1. Four Letters

**And Hell Came With Him**

**A compilation of John Constantine's days at Hogwarts**

00 Four Letters

/**The First Letter**/

_Dear Mr. Constantine,_

_I am writing to request a favor. I am aware you don't like "fancy talk" or "beating around the bush" so I shall get right to the point._

_I'm in a bit of a pickle. I need a new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher and it seems reliable candidates are scarce these days. Most believe the job to be cursed I think. _

_Which brings a certain memory of mine to mind. You had yourself a bit of trouble with pickles a while back didn't you? Funny thing about pickles, you can never get rid of them yourself. You also specialize in curses don't you Mr. Constantine? _

_Send your response back with Dante (the owl sitting at your desk) at once. I'm afraid he won't leave you alone until you do. He's quite the stubborn creature. _

_I appreciate you time and consideration._

_Sincerely_

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_

_Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

Screeeeech!

"Ah! Blood fucking bird, will you SHUT UP!" John Constantine ripped off his shoe and chucked it at the incessant owl. It ducked and the shoe flew over its head and out the window. Muttering, John stood and stomped across the room in his socks to his desk. He grabbed a rumbled piece of paper sitting on top of all the others. Across it, stamp in large red letters were the words TAX NOTICE. John turned it over and picked up a pen. Still muttering he began scribbling across the back. "Leave it to that old goat to contact me with the only form of post that bites." he grumbled.

"Hoot!" The owl chirped defiantly.

"I'm goin', I'm goin'." John rolled up the piece of paper and tied it to the leg the owl outstretched for him. "Now get outta here!"

The owl bobbed its head once and took off, disappearing out the window. John stuck his head out after it and look down…

…down at the concrete four stories below…

…four stories below at the dumpster…

…where his shoe had landed.

"Fuck."

/**The Second Letter**/

Dear old fart, 

_Thanks for the fuzzy reminder of our wonderful time together in France. If I ever need to be crucified by kitchen utensils again I'll let you know._

_Keep your damn pickles; I've got enough of my own. You can't give me a good enough reason to take your bloody job, so don't try._

_John Constantine_

_Hellblazer of Anywhere I Bloody Want_

Dumbledore chuckled to himself and put the letter down. John had always been so gifted with words.

He fed Dante a tootsi roll, gave it his reply, and sent the owl on its way.

/**The Third Letter**/

_Dear Mr. Constantine, _

_Strip. Hopscotch. _

_Your ever-patient friend_

_Albus Dumbledore_

John let his head fall forward onto the desk with a _thump_ and cast an angry eye on the less patient owl beside him…

/**The Final Letter**/

_Bullocks._

Dumbledore nodded and let the owl find it's own way back to the Owlry. Fawkes trilled a curious note from his perch. Dumbledore looked up at his phoenix.

"Hogwarts has a new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher" He said.


	2. The Exorcism of the Sorting Hat

**01 The Exorcism of the Sorting Hat**

John Constantine muttered to himself as he walked along the stone hallways of Hogwarts. Torches lit his way, flickering the shadows in what he felt certain was a deliberate attempt to confuse him. It wasn't bad enough that he had to navigate this bloody maze of a place by himself, (Filch had been "busy" and had given him a series of short, annoyed directions) but he felt sure the walls were trying to trick him. Hogwarts had an eerie almost human-like awareness to it, and John had felt it following him since he'd entered the gates. The castle didn't trust him.

He stopped. In front of him stood the great stone gargoyle Dumbledore had told him about. Its blank stone eyes were fastened on him, as if waiting for something. The constantly moving light made the statue look like it was breathing.

John pulled a rumpled piece of paper from his pocket and read it over again.

_Dear John, _

_It's so good to be back on casual terms with you again. I would dearly love it if you would come visit me tonight at Hogwarts. I'm sure you are anxious to get started on you syllabus for this year and it would be a grand opportunity for you to get to know your way around. _

_Filch, the caretaker, will show you to my office. _

_If it suits you to arrive around 7:00 that would be fine. Business is keeping me away for the rest of the day but I will be glad to devote my undivided attention to you afterwards. If I am not there to meet you at the gates, please let yourself in. _

_The gargoyle likes it if you talk to him. He is especially fond of Dum DumPops._

_Your friend,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

John frowned and stuffed the note back in his pocket. "Damn old prick." he mumbled rummaging for a cigarette. "'The gargoyle likes it if you talk to him' just because _he_ likes to hold conversations with inanimate objects……bloody bastard……and how the hell would he know about Dum Dum pops anyway?"

_RUMBLE!_

"WHOA!" John jumped back and nearly tripped over himself.

The stone gargoyle suddenly rose with a tremendous noise and shook itself. It stretched and leapt aside, revealing a passage with some stairs. Constantine didn't move right away, he stood still, trying to get his breathing back to normal. He looked from the stairs, to the gargoyle, to the stairs, back to the gargoyle.

The gargoyle watched him with apprehension. It made a movement with its face as if to lift its eyebrows.

John darted past it and up the stairs. He wasn't sure what was in that statue but he didn't want to find out right away if he could help it.

Dumbledore's office, when he opened the door and stepped inside, was anything but empty unless one considered the fact that the Headmaster wasn't in it. The soft glow of the fireplace lit everything more than well enough and several snoring pictures lined the walls. John watched them all with wide eyes.

As long as they didn't start speaking to him he would leave them alone.

John continued his inspection of Dumbledore's office, passing from one oddity to another. The man was apparently very fond of collecting odd things that had no real purpose at all. Or none the he could guess. There was a strange looking bowl John caught sight of inside a locked cabinet that spilled out an eerie light from the silver liquid inside it. A scale, that was not at all balanced and looked broken, sat very polished and kept on Dumbledore's desk. Behind the desk was what was unmistakable a perch for a rather large bird. On the shelf to John's right sat a very old, very battered looking hat.

John approached it. There were several patches and a few more spots were beginning to look threadbare. One tear had not been tended to at all and rifted across the hat like a great mouth.

"And Dumbledore calls me a man of odd habits." Constantine grumbled, reaching to take the hat from the shelf. It hung limp in his hand. John was suddenly overcome with the unexplainable desire to put it on his head. _'When you have an itch, scratch it.'_ He thought and placed the pointed monstrosity on his noggin.

"Who's this?" said a gruff and sleepy voice.

"YAAAH!" John whirled, expecting to see someone standing behind him. There was no one.

"Who are you?" The voice demanded again. "It isn't time yet for the sorting ceremony! And you're too old to be a curious student." The voice paused. "Too shifty too."

John realized with a horrible jolt what he was hearing.

The hat.

The hat was speaking to him.

"Hells cake!" he yelled, and grabbed the hat from his head.

"Now then! No need for such language!" the hat admonished him. John held it at arms length, fumbling in his jacket.

"BACK TO HELL!" he screamed at it! "I ORDER YOU BACK TO HELL DEMON SPAWN! BE GONE FROM THIS PLACE!"He thrust a crucifix at the hat and something left in an affronted flash.

Behind him, a ball of fire erupted.

"AAH!" John spun. "Back Hellfire!" He whipped a vial of Holy Water at the fireball and the inferno immediately went out. John found himself being glared at by a very annoyed and wet bird. It cawed an annoyed squawk at him.

"Ah John! Causing trouble already are you!"

Another fire erupted and none other than Albus Dumbledore stepped out of the fireplace. He looked around the room from beneath his great bush like eyebrows. "Now John, was there really a need for you to soak my poor phoenix?"

"If the ruddy bird hadn't tried to scorch me…" John mumbled to the headmaster.

"I see." Dumbledore looked past John. "Oh dear. What have you done to the sorting hat?"

John turned to look at the now silent hat. "I sent it back to hell that's what I did." He said happily. "Tried to melt my brains it did."

"You must be mistaken my dear John. Oh dear, dear me but this is no good." Dumbledore sat down at his desk. "You will have to bring it back immediately John. We need that hat for the sorting ceremony!"

"Oh…whoops." John turned back to the hat and concentrated. After a time, he pocketed his crucifix and picked the hat off the floor. "Hello?" he asked uncertainly.

"HAIL BEELZEBUB!" John dropped the hat. "MAY HELLFIRE RAIN ON EARTH AND BURN THE FLESH OF SINNERS. MAY YOUR VIRGINS BE CORRUPTED BY MAD COWS!" The hat continued as if it hadn't been dropped at all.

"Oh bugger." said John.

"Dear me." said Dumbledore.

"…AND A SODOMY OF DONKEYS TAKE THEIR PLACE IN…"

"Excuse me?" John asked.

"Yes?" The hat asked back.

"Um…I don't suppose you can sing and sort students?"

"Of course I can."

"Great, well that settles that then." John turned to smile at Dumbledore. "No problem."

"THE WORLD'S RIPE FRUIT WILL GROW ROTTEN WITH THE SPIRIT OF THE UNCLEAN ONE!" The hat declared. John picked it up and sat it back on the shelf. He turned back to Dumbledore and pulled out a cigarette.

"I don't suppose we could have tea while we talk?" he asked.

* * *

A/N 

Okay, high time for an authors note. This story (as it is so far) will be a series of episodes. Mostly just random events from John's teaching days. I have completely disregarded the 6th book here, so much so that it might almost be considered AU. If there's a plot, it is so far eluding me.

I have to give David the credit for the Sodomy of Donkey's comment, and for John's muttering in front of the gargoyle. They way I orginally had it he was just like. "Dum dum pops!" and ta da. But the interaction between John and the Gargoyle is mine. David also inspired the idea of a demon taking over the sorting hat.He's theConstantine expert, so I go to him forideas.

My thanks outtoMatt,David and Sara forproofreading this andindulging myself esteem. Heh. Also,thanks to all my reviewers! You guys rock!

Review if you fancy.

"and the geeks shall inherit the earth"

laughing serpent


	3. A Lesson in Doppleganger's

**03 A Lesson in Doppleganger's **

On the first official day of the new school year the 6th year Gryffindor's couldn't believe their luck. Period one, double DADA…with the Slytherin's. Could the axis of the world be any more horribly out of whack?

Professor Constantine sauntered in, his hands in the pockets of his trench coat.

"Ello," he said. "My name's Constantine and I'm in charge, so listen up." He sat down heavily on his desk and plucked a cigarette from one of his many pockets. "The Darks Arts are a dangerous business, and I'm here to teach you lot how to stay the fuck alive." Constantine flicked open a lighter he produced from nowhere, the class stared, entranced by this smoking, swearing man in front of them. "Now then, you have all covered curses, magical beasts of the malignant nature, and the like. I will be talking about demons. Pay attention.

"Demons come in many shapes and sizes, and none of them are very nice. In fact, most of them have very bad tempers." He stashed the lighter away again and took a long drag from his cigarette. "Now…"

Hermione's hand shot in the air. Constantine blinked.

"Er…wot?" he asked.

"Sir, I thought demons were a manner of dark creature."

"Have you ever been outwitted at poker by a basilisk?"

Hermione frowned. "No."

"Of course not. Basilisk's don't play poker. Demon's do." Constantine shook his head. "And they're bloody rotten cheaters too. Don't every believe a thing they tell you…unless it's something along the lines of "I'm going to drink your soul."" He snorted, "Bloody pillocks."

Harry's hand went up next. The expression on his face clearly said he was just as stunned as the next person that he was volunteering in class. "Does that make dementors demons?" he asked.

"Of sorts. Dementors are a very low class of demon. Mostly instinctive. They like dark places, and dark things, and they live only to eat. A dementor isn't very dangerous as far as demons go, because the defense against one is very basic and a dementor won't plot ways around it. Other demons are smarter." Another drag from his cigarette. "Some demons can make themselves look just like you and me. The weird guy from down the street could be a demon and you would never know."

Harry thought of Aunt Marge and wondered if it were possible for Aunts to be demons too.

Constantine got to his feet. "Today we will be covering the basics about d…"

BLAM!

The classroom door slammed open and Professor Constantine strode in. He was dressed in black pants and a white dress shirt. His hair was rumpled and there was a bruise above his left eye.

Silence.

Constantine number 1 blinked at his twin.

Constantine number 2 proceeded to stride across the room and punch Constantine number 1 in the face.

Hermione shrieked, Neville paled, and everyone else stared.

It was over suprisingly quickly. That first punch gave the new Constantine the upper hand and he never lost it. Up over the desk and down, taking the furniture with him, Constantine fell, and the new Constantine lunged after him.

It ended with a swift kick to the first Constantine's head. He grunted and lay still.

The class simply stared.

The new, and real, Constantine muttered to himself as he bent over and tugged the trench coat from the unconscious professors from. "Bloody nad took my coat." He slipped it on and began rummaging through the pockets. "Where're my …ah." he pulled a cigarette out and lit it.

Professor Constantine faced his very stunned class.

"Your first lesson is on Doppelgangers." he announced with a sour glance at the limp body on the floor. "They're evil fucks and if you see one, kill it." He sat down on the overturned desk behind him.

"I'm John Constantine, your new Defense Against the Bad Crap teacher." He puffed on his cigarette, contemplating the body of the demon on the floor. "Class dismissed, I gotta demon proof this place."

A/N

First and foremost, thanks out to my reviewers. Keep up the input and odds are I'll keep up the story.

I have to thank Sara a whole bunch for this chapter because not only did she proof read it, but she added her own little spicy tidbits that made it that much freaking better. Sara, you rock, you already knew that, moving on.

Thanks out to David, again and as always because he's the Constantine idea machine.

And thanks (one more time) to anyone who reviewed or who just maybe plans on reviewing.

laughing serpent


	4. Froggy Went a Courtn'

**03 Froggy Went a Courtn'**

Harry Potter had a problem.

Well, he considered it a problem anyway. And the longer Professor Snape continued to pace and lecture them on the importance of aardvark feces the more of a problem it would become.

_'Come on you bitter old man! The bell rang five minutes ago and I have to PISS!'_ Harry glared his angriest glare in his Potions professors general direction. He almost jumped when Snape actually whirled and raised an eyebrow at him. Then he whirled back and continued his tirade.

_'He knows I have to pee, he's punishing me for singeing off his goatee last week, I know it.'_ Harry couldn't help it if his cauldron burner was slightly more easily insulted than anyone else's.

Okay, so mentally insulting Snape wasn't working. Maybe mental flattery?

_'Your glowing personality and warm fuzzy wit outshine the sun itself.'_

"Potter will you STOP staring at the back of my head please! Mrrhmmm…_snerk_." Snape went back to his speech. By the time they were finally let go, Harry thought he could have blasted open a door from across the room with the pressure that had built up in his bladder.

He jumped to his feet and darted out the door.

"Five points from Gryffindor for…" Harry turned the corner and Snape's yell was cut off before he could find out what he'd lost five points for.

Harry wished students could dock points from the teachers. _'Two thousand points from Slytherin for being a snarky grease bat.'_

Harry launched himself over the banister and over the head of several startled first years. He took the stairs two at a time and made a mad dash down the corridor when he finally reached the top. The bathroom door blew open before he even reached it.

Harry Potter stepped into sanctuary. _'Thank Merlin.'_

One of the stall doors was closed, but the bathroom was completely silent. Harry turned to his business, staring at the abused stones of the wall. _'What the hell is 'snerk' anyway?'_ He filed it away as a distinctly 'Snape' word.

Silence, wonderful silence. Harry undid the front of his robe.

"Froggy went a courtn' and he did ride, mhmmm, mhmmm."

Harry froze.

"Froggy went a courtn' and he did ride, mhmmm, mhmmm."

From behind the one closed stall door a gruff voice was singing. Something about the voice was terribly familiar.

"Froggy went a courtn' and he did ride, with a sword and a pistol by his side. Froggy went a courtn' and he did ride mhmmm!"

"Professor Constantine?"

Silence

"…Yes?"

"Are you…erm…singing?"

Silence.

"Shut yer hole it helps me concentrate."

_'Graa, yaageehh…WHAT?'_

"Um…okay." Harry said weakly.

A toilet flushed and two seconds letter, Professor John Constantine stepped out of the bathroom stall. He grinned when he saw Harry.

"What is it about bathrooms that always makes my singing voice sound fantastic?" Harry didn't answer. Constantine walked out the door, humming. "See you next class Harry!"

Harry stared around himself at the now empty bathroom.

_'Okay, I can cope with this. Repression. Yes, repression would definitely be the best way to deal with this.' _Repress, and pack; repress and pack.

Harry Potter went on with his day.

A/N

I want to thank Sara for editing this and telling me it was perfect! muah; you rock. And I want to thank Maurielle, and David as always.

Now then, I have been asked a question. I don't think the site lets me directly answer questions anymore. So, you, wonderful reviewer who asked a question, will simply have to derive the answer from this explanation of John Constantine.

The John Constantine in my story is not actually the John from the movie. So, no, Keanu Reeves did not have a british accent; but he did look pretty. The original Constantine from the comic books was not only British and not living in Los Angeles, but he was blonde, not pretty, and lived very convieniently next to Kings Cross Station. (You can imagine now where I got the inspiration for this fic from.) I wanted a pretty Constantine and a funny one. So since the comic book John was British, and funnier, I took him and made him look like the movie Constantine.

Anyone with idea's, you should give your idea's to me, because I could use them.

Review if you like. (I know I would like you to.) Move on it you wouldn't.

Shibby.

laughing serpent


	5. Demon Butterflies

**04 Demon Butterflies**

Draco Malfoy's day was going perfectly as planned. As all of Draco's days were supposed to go.

His weekly box of chocolates had arrived right on schedule, and they included and extra supply of his favorites. Crabbe and Goyle had been successfully distracted for the whole of the afternoon with a jar of pickles that Draco had charmed to be impossible to open with anything but a teddy bear. Since Crabbe and Goyle knew that his teddy bear was off limits there was little chance they would every get it open.

Draco smiled to himself in his out of the way corner of the hallways and went over his daily schedule again in case there was anything he missed.

Get up.

Brush teeth.

Annoy Potter.

Eat breakfast.

Pester Potter.

Order around Crabbe and Goyle.

Infuriate Potter

That was as far as he had gotten. At the moment he was in the middle of step "Infuriate Potter". And from the annoying sounds coming down the hallway, he was only seconds away from completing it.

As soon as Potter rounded the corner…_'Come on Potter, hurry up. I haven't got all day.'_

Harry stepped into view. Draco pointed his wand and whispered a curse.

Potter stopped and sniffed. "Does anyone smell flowers?" Peons 1 and 2 looked around and nodded. The weasel leaned closer and took a whiff.

"I think it's you mate."

Potter lifted his sleeve to his nose. "What the…" he cut himself off to listen to the strange sound that was growing closer from down the hall. Draco slipped out of his corner and started walking away.

"WHOA!" Harry Potter suddenly bolted by him, hauling ass away from a fluttering rainbow cloud. "DEMON BUTTERFLIES!!!!"

Draco laughed leisurely and walked away from the scene. Completely innocent, no one the wiser.

"Oi Malfoy." Professor Constantine's voice came from behind him. Draco jumped and whipped around to find the man standing behind him with his arms folded. His trench coat hanging from his shoulders.

"Professor Constantine."

"I didn't know you were a butterflies kind of chap." Draco blinked.

"I'm not."

"I dunno, you'd make a pretty bit of a bug yourself." Proffessor Constantine studied the unlit cigarette between his fingers. "Have you ever heard of poetic justice?"

"…what?"

X

Severus poured some Scotch into his steaming cup of Coco and settled back, safe behind his desk. Small elephants in tap shoes were doing the Russian Cancan inside his head. A mild headache potion wouldn't do the trick, a day like this required some stronger.

Five minutes into the first class of the day a cauldron was accidentally transformed into a fire breathing snapping turtle. It had taken an hour to coax the thing into a box, and two hours to contact the ministry so they could come pick it up. Then Severus had to spend half and hour convincing the ministry officials that he had no intentions of breeding the things.

And, as if that wasn't bad enough, he had just seen Potter run screaming through the hallways.

Chased by butterflies.

_'Idiocy should be illegal.'_ Snape took a sip of his coco.

_Tappity tappity tap tap._ Severus froze. He knew that knock, he'd known it for years. He been dreading hearing it since the school year began but had so far managed to avoid that.

"Come in." he growled.

John Constantine stepped into the room with a glass jar in his hand. He was grinning pleasantly. "Hello luv." he said.

"Sneh."

"Help me!!!" Said the tiny brightly colored thing in the jar. Severus put his Coco down.

"I've brought you a present!" John declared, setting the jar down on Severus's desk. "Your little godson got himself turned into a butterfly." Oh, in the name of Merlin's trousers.

"He did what?"

John sat down on the edge of his desk and pulled out a cigarette. "Yeah, funny kid isn't he. Don't know why he'd want to be a bug of all things." John shrugged. "Kids these days."

Severus stared in horror. Inside the jar was the blondest butterfly he'd ever seen.

"Get out." he snapped at John.

John stood. "Of course. See you in a tad luv!"

"Don't-call-me-that!" Severus snarled, drawing his wand.

John bowed and left.

"What the fuck?" asked Draco.

"Watch your language bug."

* * *

Authors Note:

THAAAANKS TOOOO SAAARAAA!

I now have a plot! Originally this story was going to be a compilation of random events from John's days at Hogwarts. Now, it has a purpose. (whoop!) Sara brainstormed with me and gave me half of the ideas. The credit for the story line goes to her!

THANKS ALSO TO MY REVIEEWEEERS!

I hoped you all liked this chapter too. Let me know if you have any idea's for the story or suggestions to make it better. Constructive Criticism is encouraged!

Keep the fun people!

Yours bangingly,

laughing serpent


	6. Confrontations

**05 Confrontations**

Severus Snape moved through the hallways like a thundercloud. At least he fancied he resembled a thundercloud. He was certainly mad enough to be thundercloud material; but there as always the chance the he was being cocky and he really just looked like an extremely pissed potions teacher.

Three third years squeaked and tripped over each other trying to scramble out of his way.

No, he was definitely a thundercloud.

The one good thing about being a thundercloud was that no one ever stepped in the path of a thundercloud. In fact they tended to avoid them as much as possible. So Severus's journey to his destination was easy enough.

John was waiting in the defense classroom when Severus blasted his way in. Any normal person would have waited in the privacy and comfort of their own offices. However prior experience had taught Severus that John was in no way a normal person. He was a man of many quirks, none of which he was prone to bending for the sake of 'normalcy.'

"Constantine." Severus hissed through his teeth.

John was reclined in his chair with his feet up on his desk in a familiar posture of disregard. Smoke wafted from the cigarette between his finger and there was a bottle of vodka on his desk. It was accompanied by too glasses, both of which had been filled. A second chair had also been pulled up. Severus stayed where he was. Damned if he would ever drink with that man again.

"Ello luv." John greeted. A masked smiled flashed across his face. "How's blondie?"

Severus ignored the question. "Explain." he demanded.

The hellblazer shrugged. "Your little dragon got himself into a bit of a spat with Potter. Cursed 'im to…well I'm sure you've noticed that Harry's new fan club is made up of some very colorful members." So _Draco_ had charmed Harry to attract those butterflies. It would have been funny if John hadn't gotten himself involved. "I gave Draco a little lesson in poetic justice."

Poetic Justice? "You turned him into a butterfly!"

"And a damn find one if you ask me. He would have been quite the ladies bug. Is that all you came to see me for?"

John knew darn well that wasn't all.

"No." Severus forced himself to walk across the room. It would be impossibly difficult to keep us his dramatic anger from a cross the room. "Why did you come back?"

"Because your rump is that beautiful."

Severus had always known that if there really had been steam producing kettles on the insides of his ears John would be the one to set them off. He smashed his fist off the of desk top. The glasses rattled. "I want the real reason." he snarled. He'd had enough of John's pretenses.

"Dumbledore asked me to come."

"You don't do anything just because someone asks you."

"Maybe blackmailed is a better word."

"You don't give a damn about your reputation either."

John emptied his glass in one gulp and smacked his lips. Then he looked Severus in the eyes and said with all the seriousness in the world, "Maybe there are other things I care about."

_'No.'_ Severus didn't want to believe that. It had been years, if that was the reason…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

SLAM!

The conversation was interrupted by a loud yell as someone burst into the room. Potter slumped again the door, panting. Three colorful, winged creatures were still fluttering about his head.

Constantine was immediately distracted. "Hello Harry. What seems to be the trouble?"

"I can't get rid of them!" Potter whined in his grating voice. Severus twitched. They made potions for vocal chords like Harry's…well, he could invent potions for vocal chords like Harry's. _'I wonder if there's a way to give someone permanent laryngitis.'_

"Did you go to your Head of House?"

Harry made a face. "McGonagall said she can't kill them."

John looked surprised. "Why not?"

"Because they're too 'innocent and pretty!'"

"Okay. Hang on a tic." John turned to his desk and opened a drawed. He tossed two cans in Harry's direction. "Bug spray." he explain.

Harry counted as a bug. _'Spray yourself.'_ Severus mentally commanded him.

Harry didn't notice, a rather disgusting light had dawned on his face. He grinned. "Thanks Professor." He took a deep breath. Then he wrenched open the door and charged into the hallway. "EAT DOOM DEMON BUTTERFLIES!"

"Now that that's out of the way." John paused. "Sev. You gotta stop resonating doom for a moment and have a drink. It will do wonders for your complexion."

"My complexion is just fine." Severus snapped.

"For a dead person it's wonderful. Now here, drink this." John handed him a full glass. "You could use a good shag too." he added.

Severus was fuming.

"If you're suggesting…"

"I wasn't suggesting anything Sexy." John interrupted in a manner that quite clearly said he _was_ suggesting something. "I was just stating a fact."

Someday bullets of karma would rain down from the sky and give John Constantine his due. Severus tried to comfort himself with this fact.

Until then…

SMACK!

Severus whirled about and left a stunned Constantine alone in his office.

X

Minerva was sitting comfortably in the teachers lounge reading her book by the fire when John walked in. She could see his usual swagger out of the corner of her eye. He sat down across from her in an arm chair and leaned back with a small groan. Minerva looked up to greet him and stopped.

"Sweet Merlin John! What happened to your face?"

"…Severus bitchslapped me."

Minerva wisely left it at that.

* * *

Authors note:

YAY! I actually have had this done for a week. I just haven't been able to get it proofread until now. Thank you Sara my luv, for being my unofficial beta, and for boosting my self esteem when you do so! (Not many people can make you feel good about yourself while pointing out the mistakes you made.)

And thank you also to my wonderful reviewers! If you have questions, let me know and I shall try to respond. (By email if possible, I heard a vicious rumor that we authors are no longer allowed to respond in our author's notes) If you have comments, those are good too. If you have idea's, those are fabulous! XD

Keep jammin my beauties,

laughing serpent


	7. When They Met

**06 When They Met**

_'I need a drink.'_ John stumbled across the threshold of the bar and tried to take a drag from his cigarette. It was like puffing the end of a wooden log. The wind had put it out. "Damn." He tossed the useless lump of cancer out the door just before it closed behind him.

His boots made ugly squelching noises with every step. The bartender looked up. "Oh, Damn-it John!" He slammed the glass he'd been cleaning down on the counter top.

John seated himself. "Can I get a whisky?"

"What have I told you about coming into my bar drenched in demon slime?!"

"Technically this is demon snot. How about that whisky?"

"How about a bath." The bartender grumbled, but he picked the glass back up and filled it adequately.

"I actually thought the rain would have washed me off by now." The bartender snorted.

"Yeah, the way milk rinses grease off a butter dish." John ignored him and proceeded to chug his whisky. Ah, the taste of fire and brimstone with an edge of alcohol. Yum. "So what was it this time?"

"Do you want to know anymore than you did last time?"

"Not really."

John fished out a dry cigarette and lit it. He took a long, healthy drag and let it slowly seep out his nostrils. Some of the tension eased out of his shoulders, leaving behind a dull ache. Maybe he'd hit that concrete wall a little harder than he'd thought. _'If I've got a busted rib I'm gonna be pissed.'_

It took him a number of moments to realize the smoke trailing out of his lungs was winding itself into a snake. A very realistic snake that twisted around and looked at him.

And blinked.

"WHOA!" John flailed his arm, cutting through the serpents midsection. The world titled and he hit the floor with a loud clatter. Above him the snake stuck out it's tongue and evaporated. _'What…the hell.'_

A soft chuckling a bit to the left. John's temper flared and stood up before he did. He picked himself up off the floor, slamming his stool back into place. He picked up his cigarette and inhaled ferociously.

He was gonna kick some more demon ass tonight it seemed.

But when he turned he found he wasn't looking at a demon at all. But a slender dark haired man seated a few stools away. His black hair was tied back at his neck and matched his eyes perfectly. The man's dress was equally shadowy, and a long cloak hung closely around his form. High cheekbones framed his face.

And there was something else about him. Almost like a distinct scent that John found catching his attention, drawing him closer.

John took a small whiff of the air and realized what he was smelling.

Power. Lots of it. The man was drenched in the magical equivalent of nuclear energy.

John left his empty glass behind and went to find a new stool beside this stranger. The man stiffened.

"Ello." John offered gruffly. He took a daring puff on his cigarette and blew it out. Then raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

The stranger smirked very slightly, and a small serpent wound itself through the air in front of them.

"So it was you." John grumbled. He would have chuckled, but it was seeming more and more likely that he _had_ busted a rib after all. He slumped against the bar. "I don't suppose you have half a dozen Vicadin on you?"

"No." His voice was a gravely bass.

"Urgnn…didn't think so." John waved his hand to get the barkeeps attention. He pointed at his empty glass, and at the bottle of whisky on the shelf. The man got the idea.

"You look like you've had quite a day."

"Quite a shitty day, yes. Of course in my kind of employment there are really only three ways to end the day. Covered in blood, covered in slime, or dead."

Nuclear Power House Man titled his head. "Maybe you should consider alternate employment."

John snorted. "My resume includes demon smashing and bad monster stomping, with a bit of experience in all of the seven sins. I don't think McDonalds is going to hire me."

His whisky arrived. John picked it up, fully ready to down the entire glass in one go.

The bell tinkled as someone stepped in the door and John's whisky exploded in his hand. "Aw, what the FUCK!" Beside him, the dark haired stranger whipped around. John turned.

More Power. A second stranger had walked in the door. He was the exact opposite of the man next to John. Platinum blonde, dressed in a light gray, and much less sexy. Actually he just looked downright mean.

"Hello Severus." The new man whispered. His smooth voice carried in rhythm with the remaining sounds of panic and shattering glass.

Severus, presumably, was backed against the bar and had his eyes narrowed like a cornered snake. "Lucius." he hissed. Severus had a more eloquent grip on his magic than the blonde man. His power pulsed almost lazily round him and thrummed in his voice.

The Whisky Waster took slow languid steps forward. "The dark lord does not appreciate your continuing obstinacy." John turned in his stool, watching this, and plucked the glass shards out of his hand. He was feeling increasingly frustrated. _'A guy can't even have a drink in a bar anymore without being interrupted by power hungry pricks.'_

"Excuse me." he said loudly. Lucius's eyes turned to him. "Piss off." One blonde eyebrow quirked.

Cool gray eyes regarded him. "This is none of your business demon hunter."

"Actually, _sir._ You came busting into _my_ bar, breaking _my_ glass, interrupting _my_ off time, and pestering _my_ sexy stranger. It is very much my business. And I'd like you to leave." John slid off his stool and took three big strides.

WHAM! Lucius whipped with the force of his punch. John felt the stinging in his knuckles and grinned. _'Haven't bruised an aristocrat in a while. Forgot how good it felt.'_ Like stepping on bees. John wrapped his hand around the other mans throat and _pushed._ The combination of his magic and own physical strength put the intruder back outside through a busted door. "And I'm not a "demon hunter" I'm John Constantine, _the _John Constantine…asshole." he muttered to himself.

He heard a muffled chuckling behind him. Severus was doing his best to hold in bubbles of laughter. "What do you say we replace that whisky of yours demon hunter?"

John grinned. "The name's John Constantine." The bartender was already standing behind him with another drink in is hand. A hopeless look of resignation was locked on his face.

"John." he muttered. "I wish for once you'd go keep someone else's bar out of trouble."

* * *

A/N

Keeping this short but sweet. Thank you reviewers. Thank you Sara. Thank you readers.

Thank you functioning internet connection.

FAREWELL!

...and Happy New Year eh?

laughing serpent


	8. It's Starting to Show

07  
It's Starting to Show

**CRASH!**

"PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEES!" The furious battle cry of John Constantine echoed through the third floor corridors. He rounded a corner, sliding, and brandishing a cross before him. "GET BACK HERE AND I'LL SHOVE THIS CRUCIFIX SO FAR UP YOUR ECTOPLASM YOUR BOOGER'S WILL TAKE ON THE PROPERTIES OF HOLY WATER!"

"John really!" McGonagall came hurrying down the corridor, the skirt of her robes clutched in her hands so she wouldn't trip on them.

John tripped to a halt, and in one final effort, launched the cross from his hand. It soared right though the transparent criminal and bounced harmlessly off the wall. "Damn it!"

"_John!_"

"Right…sorry. But he broke my whisky!" McGonagall rolled her eyes.

"Indeed." she sniffed. "Well John, if you were quite finished?" She gave his abused cross a pointed glanced. "Classes are to begin in an hour."

"Yeah, yeah." John picked up his crucifix and shuffled down the hallways under the scrutiny of Hogwart's most strict feline. "Poltergeists." he muttered to himself. Then he had an idea.

X

"I'm a happy mother fucking ray of sunshine." John sung happily to himself, busy over his new class project, while his students filed in. He waited until they were all seated, then he spun in place and sat down on his desk. He was in such a good mood he didn't even need a cigarette to tide him over. "Welcome," he told them all "to you're first _real_ lesson of the year."

Oh yes, they were confused. Excellent. This cheered John further.

"I," he stated. "am going to teach you all how to be bad ass fuckers who know how to beat the shit outa other bad ass fuckers who are bad." The class looked dubious. "The first step." John stated. "Is to free you mind, and you limbs. I want all equipped with appropriate muggle attire next class. The definition of appropriate muggle attire is comfy pants, a t-shirt or two, socks and underpants. Got it? Wear comfortable shoes." He looked over to the Parvati twins. "Comfortable." he said again. "Shoes. The definition of shoe is something that protects your foot from acidic demon brains after you've put a kick through his skull." The twins turned green.

John reached behind him and picked up the box on his chair. "These are for you." he started pulling crucifixs out of the box and throwing them, one at a time, to the students.

"What are they?" asked a Slytherin who's name John didn't know.

"What do they look like? They're giant metal plus signs. Wear them at all times. Even in the shower."

"Why?" the same student asked.

John gave the cheeky boy a hard glare. "Because demons don't care whether you're stark naked or not." The boy looked down at his desk, scowling. John smiled with his teeth. "You know you're homework. Class dismissed." He jumped off the desk and walked out of the classroom.

It was a little twisted, using kids to help him achieve his goals. But ole' what's his face said "Whatever it takes." and John was running thin on ideas.

His feet carried him right out of the castle and down into Hogsmead. Where he found out just how thin things were running. Severus Snape walked out of an alley, looking surpremely pissed. John almost called out to him, when a blonde aristocrat stalked into view as well.

_'Lucius.' _Lucius Malfoy. Head bastard of the bad guys. John ducked behind a wall. The bricks pressed cold against his skin, even through his coat.

"Severus, the dark lord knows you've been playing sides."

Severus snorted. "The dark lords knows I'm doing what I must to keep my cover."

"That's a lie. I think you want out Severus. No one gets out."

"And I think you are overstepping you're authority on this matter Lucius! Try and kill Constantine and you'll find I think that he is considerably more powerful than you believe. John wouldn't blink twice before sending you to hell."

"I don't believe in hell."

A dark shadow moved over John and he jumped. It was gone by the time his eye's hit the sky.

_'Interesting.' _he looked out again at the cocky form of Lucius. _'Hell believes in you.'_

* * *

I stole that last line almost directly out of the Constnatine movie; just to give credit where credit is do.

Speaking of credit. I thank my readers and reviewers, and I encourage everyone to be both. I still have no idea where this plot is taking us. Hopefully it will be interesting.

Fun is love. I love fun.

laughing serpent


	9. Too Sexy

**08 Too Sexy**

**(A scene from the past)**

"I'm, to sexy for my fags, to sexy for my fags, to sexy!" John lit one of said fags and began to smoke it happily while he sang around it. "I'm too sexy for my dishes, to sexy for my dishes, way to sexy!" He picked up his soapy sponge and returned to the pile of dirty dishes he was busy washing. Swinging his rump back and forth as he did so.

John swiveled his hips more enthusiastically as his voice got louder. "I'm, too sexy for my crucifix, too sexy for my crucifix, too sexy!"

"What happened to the real lyrics?"

John glanced back over his shoulder and grinned. "Hey Sev. I already ran through them three times. Thought I would make 'em more interesting."

"Right." Severus looked down at Johns bare legs. "And, your pants?"

"I'm too sexy for them."

"Of course." He grabbed the extra cup of coffee that was steaming on the table. A strong sweet smell made him pause before sipping it. "What did you put in this?"

"Er…not really sure. Some sugar, some milk…some schnapps."

Ah. Severus took a small swig.

Tasty.

"So what's on the agenda for today?"

"I got a call from a priest in Abu Dhabi, say's they've got an unusual possession on they're hands." John dropped the sponge in the sink and dried his hands. He walked across the kitchen in all his boxer clad glory and plopped down in the chair across from Severus.

"What happened?"

"Some kid got bit by a chipmunk and started strangling his classmates with they're own shoelaces."

"What happened to the chipmunk?"

"He was gunned down by the Swiss guard when he tried to break into the Vatican." John took a sip of his coffee. Which was probably more like coffee flavored bourbon by now. "So what's going on in the wonderful world of Sexy today?"

Severus snorted. "'Sexy' has to write his syllabus so he can force it down the throats of snobby schoolchildren in the near future."

"There are other places you can…"

"_Underage _school children."

John frowned. "Oh, right."

X

_'Maybe I should just make Sev come pick me up next time.'_ John picked up a newspaper and sat down on a bench ready for a long and grueling wait. The trains were never actually on time.

"Hello John Constantine."

Whoa! John dropped his paper and spun around. "Hello menacing bad man." Pale with long blonde hair and a sharp nose. "You're that jerk who was bugging Sev a while back! I beat the pulp outta you, whaddya doing back?"

"I've come to warn you."

John had heard that before.

"Warn me about what?"

"Severus has prior commitments. It would be unwise for you to keep him from them."

John snorted. "Ah, jealous that I've been keeping Sexy all to myself? Well you can't have him he's my sex toy."

The blonde man raised an eyebrow. "Indeed. That is easily taken care of."

John lit a cigarette and took a leisurely drag from it. "You gotta name bad ass?"

"Lucius."

John had heard that name. "Lucius Malfoy. You _are_ a bad ass. Well Lucius allow me to give you some advice. Sev is _mine,_ no touchy."

"The dark lord will,"

"The dark lord can stick it mate." Lucius' jaw dropped open. A rumbling started from far away and got closer. "And now, if you will excuse me, I have a train to catch. Ta luv."

John turned and left Lucius behind.

* * *

XO Apologies for the wait. Wanna talk to me about writer's block? Yik.

Got milk? I mean comments?

laughing serpent


	10. Comes a Runnin

**09 Comes a Runnin **

John Constantine was sleeping when hell first got its foot in the door.

The door to his bedroom exploded. The noise itself was enough to jerk a dead man out of his eternal rest. It nearly sent John to his. He bolted upright and grabbed the two closet things to him.

His crucifix and his lighter. Now in a practical situation the lighter wouldn't have done him much good. When hell spawn burst into your personal space chances are they're bringing fire with them. The old saying 'Fight fire with fire' won't much apply.

Lucky for John it wasn't hell spawn in the doorway. Just the next best thing.

"Severus." John's voice rasped with sleep. "What is it?"

"Don't," Snape snarled "give me that innocent face. Not after last night."

John blinked. Last night? He'd been Rosemerta's last night. _Is he jealous? What? _"Severus…I don't,"

Severus was striding across the room, taking big statement type steps. The kind that said 'Here I come, I'm bringing pain.' He stopped at the foot of the bed and raised the slender piece of wood in his hand. "I," he hissed. "can't think of a spell horrible enough for you right now."

"Now I know I'm a bastard and all but…what did I do?"

"Draco. Where is my godson?"

"What?"

"Draco came into my chambers last night shaking with a burn mark on his left cheek! He said you pulled him aside on his Hogsmeade visit and told him you thought he was in danger. You gave him this." Severus dropped a small but heavy object onto the bed. It made a small dent in the covers. A hiss of steam rose immediately.

John yelped and shot out of bed. The little black pentagram singed through his covers, smoke rising from beneath it. John grabbed the emergency bottle of holy water he kept by his bed and tossed it over the talisman.

It hissed loudly in defiance and died, leaving a sulfur-like scent behind.

Severus was staring in shock at the bed.

"Draco did not seriously touch that thing." John gasped.

"Of course he did! You gave it to him!"

"Right…of course I did. Who else would he take it from?" John grabbed his pants and his coat and dashed around Severus.

"Constantine!" Severus roared. John stopped, he feel the burning heat of magic aimed at his back. "Where are you going?"

John whirled, feeling impatient. "To get yer godson back jack ass. Are you coming?" He turned again and stalked out the door beginning a mental list of all the things he was going to need.

"What?"

"You wanted me to get him back!"

"I wanted you tell me what you did to him!"

"I most likely gave him a possessed talisman. No clue where I could have gotten it though." It wasn't Egyptian. Which was weird. Most powerful cursed artifacts were Egyptian. People really underestimated ancient Egypt when it came to dark powers. Unless the talisman hadn't been possessed? Maybe the demon had been introduced some other way and was already lying dormant in Draco when he was given the pentagram? That would certainly explain why he hadn't immediately burst into flames.

"POSSESSED!"

"Yes, that's what I said. Hopefully it's a minor demon, won't be too much trouble. _I'm _probably going to be the real problem."

Severus was stalking powerfully to keep up. "What?" he growled.

"Wherever Draco is, that's where I'm likely to be. Now, if I was powerful enough to bring that thing to Draco without loosing my mind I'm definitely going to be a pain in the ass." John dug in his pockets. "Here, you're gonna to need this." He handed Severus a small glass sphere.

"What's this?"

"If I get my ass kicked throw that at me and then run like hell…or like hell is chasing you…cuz I will."

"…what??!"

Constantine growled. Why wasn't Severus keeping up here? It was all very simple. "Whoever is impersonating me is a serious badass. That's anti badass juice."

"Impersonating you."

"Yes, my doppleganger. Didn't we already go over this? Y'know, the me who wasn't me who gave Draco that talisman."

Severus looked annoyed. "Actually you skipped that part and went right into a rant about stopping yourself."

"Well obviously to fight myself there has to be two of me!"

The corner of Sev's lipped curled up. "Of course," he sneered, "how could I have missed it. He put the vial in his robes. "Anti badass juice?"

"Holy water. What happened after Draco came into your office?" They were making their way to the dungeons.

Severus still didn't look pleased but he appeared to be ready to cooperate now. "He just ran in shaking all over and told me what happened. Then he just collapsed on the floor. I put him on the couch in my office, he was all but catatonic."

Made sense. The demon would want Draco unconscious while he worked to figure out all of the human motor functions. So he was unexperienced with possession, a newbie. Good. "Then?"

"I went to get a dreamless sleep potion for him, came back, and he was gone."

John stopped. "And then you came barging into my rooms?" he asked.

"Obviously."

Damn. "Damn. Damn, damn damnity damn-it damn!" John started running.

"What now!"

"Didn't ya ever see any horror movies as a child!" John yelled at him. "He was probably hiding in a dark corner waiting for you to leave!"

* * *

I know, I know. I'm horrible. Sorry for the delay but there's naught can be done for a four month case of writer's block and I don't own a hammer.

Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter.

Ta luvs!


	11. Cleaning Up

**10 Cleaning Up**

John waited until he was a whole two steps out of his bedroom before he whirled and put his fist through Severus's face. The other man stumbled under the blow and fell to the ground. John stepped on his left hand, crushing the class vial of holy water Sev was holding.

Severus howled and jumped away from the puddle, clutching at the stump where his hand had been. John kicked him out the window.

He leaned out the window and watched the body fall.

"Stupid demons…_Sev doesn't yell when he's angry he_"

SPLAT

"…blows stuff up. Ah well, lesson learned then."

And John made his way down to the dungeons.

When he got there things were already mess. Well, more of a mess than usual. Well, more dangerous than usual. Well _nosier_ than usual and that was the real problem.

Shouts and gags echoed down the corridor. Constantine stopped just outside of the door to Severus office and reached into his pocket to pull out two things.

A cigarette and his crucifix. The cigarette he stuck in his mouth until he was ready to light it and the crucifix he held in his left hand. This left his right hand free to open the door.

But in the end he decided it would be _much_ more dramatic if he just kicked the door in.

BLAM!

John burst into the room and aimed a wild punch at the first thing he saw move. The yelling stopped and Draco Malfoy fell like a rag doll to the floor.

Severus Snape, the _real_ Severus Snape, collapsed back against the wall holding his throat and breathing heavily. John turned on him.

"Are you daft!?" he yelled. "Are you or are you not a wizard? You've got magic! You could have blasted the bastard at any second instead you just sit there and let him kill you slowly…" he had some trouble speaking around his cigarette.

"He's my godson Constantine, I cannot just _blast_ him away."

John rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever."

CONSTANTINE 

Sounded like Draco was back on his feet.

THY DEMISE APPROACHES 

"Right, duh, that's how we mortals work. Our demise always approaches." Constantine walked over to the cauldron cooling on the table and dipped his cross in it. He shifted the cigarette in his mouth. "Say Sev. What's this potion for?"

"It's just a simple sleeping draught, get your stupid cross out of it."

TURN AND FACE ME HUMAN COWARD 

"A little patience please….there we go." John took his cross out of the cauldron and wiped it off on his shirt. "Al'right Demon." John picked up the cauldron and chucked it at the Demon.

Draco's arms came up to shield his face and the liquid washed over him. He screamed and fell to the ground where he did some appropriate twitching before his body went still. The stones around him caught flame very briefly. Constantine hurried over and stuck the end of his cigarette in the fire. Then he stood back and gave a contented puff.

"Chemistry…always a blast."

Severus knelt next to his godson. "What did you do?" he asked.

"Killed the demon. Did you know it's possible to hallow potions?"

Sev paused. "Holy Sleeping Draught?"

"Yep. Draco will be fine. Watch out for other baddies, Voldie sent that one. I gave the kids some extra protection just in case. I'm leaving, ta."

"Yeah, see you in the morning." Severus grumped.

"Not really no. Tell Dumbles to call in the replacement. I finished."

"Finished what?"

But John was already out the door. He could hear Severus yelling after him. "Finished what!"

John Constantine packed his things and left Hogwarts before the sun could rise and that stupid Poltergeist could make off with his underwear again.

* * *

Thank you for the reading and the reviews all! 


	12. Epilogue

**000 Epilogue: which takes place before the prologue but explains everything anyway**

_Dear Mr. Constantine, _

_Strip. Hopscotch. _

_Your ever-patient friend_

_Albus Dumbledore._

Constantine read the letter over again and wondered if that old fart really thought he was going to up and cave under a tiny bit of black mail. His reputation had so many marks on it already nobody would notice another dent.

He shoved the letter in his pocket and went to the bar to ponder how best to reply. Blunt and snarky. Blunt and mean. Or Blunt and snide.

The bartender looked up and gave him a nod when he sat down. They both ignored the rhythmic tapping from outside.

"Heya John. Glad to see you free of demonic ooze for once." He set down a full glass.

John shrugged. "Stuff does wonders for the sinuses."

"Right. Hey, so how come I never see that black haired friend of your around anymore?"

"Sev? He left a while ago. Why?"

"Oh no reason, I just heard some other guys talking about him earlier. Some arrogant sons a bitches came in with this real snooty blonde guy. Sounds like Sev's got himself in trouble again." The tapping stopped at the door and started again at the window.

John's hand froze around his drink. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Did you know he had a godson?"

"No."

"He does. Kid's name is Draco. I kinda feel sorry for him."

"For…why?"

The bartender frowned and looked at Constantine strangely untouched glass. "Well because these guys figure the kid is the only way to get to Sev. He's probably in for a rough time."

John put the drink down. "I've gotta go. Save that for me." He stood up and started for the door. The tapping got louder.

"Where're ya going?"

"I've got some important business to kill."

John opened the door and grabbed the owl that had been trying to get in. "Heya Dante." he growled. "Looks like you'll be bringing that nosy old coot the answer he wants after all."

John tore a blank bit off the original letter and wrote a singe word on the scrap.

_Bullocks._

* * *

THE END

Thank you for reading everyone!

Peace be in the universe and with all of you!


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